The start of this month was terrible but it only got better after that and hasn’t stopped.
Terrible, why? I had a group of friends my brother and I went to church with for one or two years till my brother moved abroad. For me, they were really close but my dad wouldn’t let me hang out late night back then without my brother, so we lost touch. We’d still bump into each other once in a while or they’d come home for a chat and it would be nice.
One boy in this group died. I didn’t really react when I first got the information because I didn’t know anything else apart from that. I also thought my brother would be grieving and I should be there for him since he stayed in touch with them and it was a bigger loss for him. So my week passed very normal. In the weekend my mom called me and gave me the details crying. He had committed suicide and no one knew why. This is when it really shook me. I was looking at all the pictures I had with him and he was smiling the widest in every one of them. Why would he do this? I don’t remember ever seeing him without that smile. I asked my mom if it was okay to call up the friend who gave her this information, so I can give my condolences. She said he’d like that, and I called. But I was the one who broke into uncontrollable tears, I couldn’t breathe. There were thoughts like, what if I hadn’t lost touch and was his best friend now? Would it have still happened? But he did have best friends. The person I was on call with was one of them. My brother was one of them. But my brother wouldn’t talk about it because he said he was okay. Everyone grieves differently I guess. I hung up after crying and not being able to talk at all.
I then called my boyfriend up multiple times till he answered. I hadn’t checked what time it was back home. He was asleep. I cried to him for hours. The same person I’d been leaning on for emotional support since I moved countries two months ago. It was straining my relationship and I wasn’t realizing. I hadn’t been opening up to anyone else here because they were all new to me. That week, classes were a blur to me. I barely talked to anyone or studied anything. At one point I had been calling him twice a day. We’re a couple who talks once in two days and were happy with it.
I’ve never been that person, I felt so dependent on him and hated when he didn’t answer cause he was busy. Things he always did anyway pissed me off until one day he said he needed space. I told him I couldn’t give it to him, we argued and screamed at each other. The next day he ended it (we never did the on off thing, so I really did push it). The last few lines describes a very toxic person and that person was me.
Eventually, I approached my friends here. They were exactly what I needed. I was distracted and finally able to stop thinking about the death and the relationship all day everyday. Spending evenings with them after class everyday, It helped me heal.
My University announced the accommodation list later that week and my name was on it. I was hoping for a double room, anything was better than three people sharing one room (my room at that time) so I took it immediately. Surprisingly it was a private room in a 4 bedroom unit for the entire year. All expenses paid for by my scholarship!
I immediately wrote to my previous owner that I’m moving and need to break the contract. He was extremely rude to me and wanted me to pay extra apart from losing the deposit. I didn’t do that and he threatened to report me to the embassy. All his threats were on WhatsApp and all my communication was on mail. So I figured they were blank threats and moved on.
My new flat came with perfect flatmates. Multicultural but united with the cleanliness bug. Lol. What else could I want? I love them.
The next week, I had my mid term group presentation so it kept me really busy. I also made a quick trip to Germany to visit my brother. We ended up travelling to Austria from there with two of his friends. Austria was beautiful! Expensive but worth it. We cooked together all the dishes that I missed from home. It was a good weekend. The time I wasn’t travelling, I spent it working on my mid terms presentation. I was so busy, my dependency was wearing off. My group ended up doing really well and we went to celebrate. End of the night I had 5 more friends (groupmates).
So, honestly everything worked out for the best. My relationship too, looks like we really needed that break.