Mid 20s Crisis

Hi there! Welcome to my rant.

I’ve been in the middle of a mental break down the past few weeks. Worries about my future mostly. I feel I’m not successful enough for someone my age who spent 5 years on a degree that is loved but doesn’t pay enough. Did I make a wrong career choice? Will it get better if I study a little more? Should I shift paths, try something new? Or should I just move to a different city for better opportunities? My mind bursts with fear all the time.

Then I put up a straight face and explain to go*d**n relatives why I cannot get married to that boy they brought up. Me not being married is their biggest concern. Am i financially stable? Who cares! Getting married into a rich family will solve all that apparently (till I get divorced and can’t pay for anything). I mean, just like I am so damn sick of having the same conversation over and over again, why aren’t they sick of asking?! And OMG the sexism in their points. Honestly, I do not have one (NOT A SINGLE) male friend who would talk to me the way these so called family members do.

Had a conversation with the grandmother on Easter.

So how old are you now? 25?

24 Grandma

But you’ll be 25 this year right?

Yes in six whole months and hopefully, I wouldn’t be here then.

You don’t have boyfriends?

Haha, all my life. I was discouraged talking to boys and now you want to know about my boyfriend”S”.

That’s how it is everywhere.

*Interrupted by my dad calling my phone*

Dad- what do you want to drink? Breezer? Bacardi plus?

Me- Breezer is fine dad, get two.

*Grandma in shock*

You’re drinking alcohol no? That’s why you talk like this. Look at your body! So thin!

Wow, Grandma. 🙂 My English speaking modern grandma 🙂 whom I’m asked to call Grandma and not Ajji or Amachi. 🙂 Did not expect this from you! What about Dad then? He can drink?

He’s grown up!

Oh, I am old enough to marry but not to drink. I’m done with this conversation, Grandma.

(Can’t believe I spent two minutes of my life defending Breezer)

I step out for some air and to stop myself from choking up. Yelling at myself in my head. Why do I keep putting myself through this? I mean, I could’ve just stayed home like I do for most occasions. I could’ve avoided this instead of thinking about her age and how I’d be upset if it was her last Easter and I didn’t go because of some made up reason. Clearly she doesn’t think about anything but having Great Grand children before that. Unfortunately for us, my brother and I are the oldest Grand kids.

With hopes of changing the vibe and conversation I step in only after my dad returned with the alcohol.

So Dad, we’re Christians in India. That’s definitely by conversion right? Do you know at which generation this happened?

Not really babe, never asked. But we were probably Hindus at some point.

What if we were Sikhs? Or Jains? Because they too existed way before Christianity spread, right?

Grandma-  You cannot get married to a boy from any other religion!!!! It won’t work.

My Easter is done. Can I go home?

I’m better off having conversations about what I’m doing with my life on my own than socializing here, clearly. As a kid I always wondered why the older cousins stopped turning up to family things. I get it now. I have literally stopped attending 90% of them. 10% covering exceptions like Easter or my favourite cousin’s wedding.

Anyway, we didn’t go home. And the conversation moved to this girl my mom ‘found’ for my brother in Germany.

Mom- I know one family. Their daughter is also working in Germany.

Grandma- What is the girl like?

She’s fair and very cute. I like her.

Flabbergasted, I cut in the conversation here.

I AM NOT FAIR MA! YOUR OWN DAUGHTER IS NOT FAIR! Why is being fair what you like about her? OMG.

What the actual fuck? I don’t even know these people anymore. I have had Issues with my complexion when I was younger. A boy came up to me once and said “I really like you BUT if you were a little fairer, I would’ve totally asked you out.” I was 15 and I didn’t even like that boy in the first place. His words still hurt. It shattered my self-confidence for the longest time (not anymore). But seeing my own mother speak exactly like him. That jerk I met at 15. Makes me want to throw up.

My dad retires next year and that has been on my mind for a while now. Surviving on pension alone will require him to cut down on his cost of living which I CANNOT ALLOW. After all he’s done for me and my brother, the least we can do is maintain his standard of living if not improve it. But I need to be making more money ASAP for that and not walking down the aisle with some dude my family picked for me. (Say this to them and they’ll say it’s not the “daughter’s” job) To make more money I need to refine my skills, probably get a Master’s degree. That again, is a gamble. What if I don’t land a job immediately? My parents won’t be able to pay of my loans with their pension. THESE are my worries. My genuine worries. And it’s frustrating to keep landing myself in arguments that are of absolutely no use to me.

Excuse me while I go lock myself in a room.

Then there are other relatives who think I don’t call them enough or don’t visit them enough or don’t remember birthdays. We all have only two days a week called weekend. In which I keep one day for ‘me time’ and so how many of you can I actually visit in the remaining one day?

Some of those who are aware of my boyfriend say I have changed and don’t give them time anymore. The last time I spoke to YOU is today when you told me this and the last time I spoke to HIM was last week. Kindly exit from the front row of the movie on my life you think I Invited you to.

Funny how this entire rant was about relatives. lol

As for birthdays. Ijustcannotremember. Sorrybye.

 

 

 

2 thoughts on “Mid 20s Crisis

  1. hello, beautiful! you need to keep your calm! dont overthink about the marriage stuff. you’re not ready! for you’ve so much more to achieve! i think your boyfriend can help you calm down! just talk to him and vent! you’ll feel light.
    and well, you need to change a few things! your job which you’re not happy about probably would be the first one. which will in turn open new doors for you.
    you’ve a long way to go. stop thinking and start working on it!

    Like

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