But you’re such a brave girl

I think that’s all I hear from everyone I meet anymore. That’s all they can seem to say, seeing my unlined eyes and messy hair. Am I, really? Because I don’t feel it at all, at least not in the past month. Everything seems to be crumbling down faster than I’m able to run around to hold them up.

We all have issues right? But has it ever made you want to leave the place and never return? To never want to see the faces of the people you call home. I have never felt that way till the past few days. I would try and meet people to distract myself. Go out and talk and put on a smile. But I’m unable to do it anymore, anyone who has tried talking to me in the past 2 weeks has seen me cry like a baby and that, to me is not brave! I haven’t found it difficult to hold back tears and pretend to be happy before. No matter what I was feeling, I would put up a brave front and deal with society. But strangely I’m breaking down in front of anyone who starts a conversation with me now. Why? Have I reached my limit?

I can literally see myself stretching beyond return. I wake up one morning and look at myself in the mirror. Have I lost weight? The weight I’ve been working so hard to gain over years. Suddenly I look skinnier. Can people lose weight from bad mental health? I have deactivated all social media because only happy people use it right? I cannot add to the misery by seeing another person’s perfect life, not for a few weeks at least. Everyday I feel like running from this place. This place that I’ve been staying back for because of the same people who now make we want to disappear. Where do you go now at the end of a tiring day for peace of mind?

How much longer can my friends/ boyfriend listen to me cry over phonecalls? Or how many more times can they visit me with comfort food? I’m beginning to fear no one’s going to be around very soon if I don’t fix myself. When I have left people behind because they were too negative, I’m sure it can now be the other way around too.

Do all marriages become like this at some point? Do all marriages run out of love? Do all marriages make you forget how to solve a problem? Do all marriages make homes a dungeon? Do all marriages make your brave children weak? Because if they do, I don’t want it at all.

One response to “But you’re such a brave girl”

  1. heismytreasuretrove Avatar

    Wow! That’s a lot of stuff packed in these nearly 500 words. I appreciate how you try to bring out those emotions and thoughts caught up in literally everybody’s minds. But, as always, I have words of hope for those who are experiencing all this. Because I have gone through this myself, like everybody else. And so it is a lie if I said I didn’t. I have, and fortunately, I have also successfully discovered how to manoeuvre myself out of it. As for the marriage part…. let’s keep that for another day. Going great, Mariette. Keep on!

    Liked by 1 person

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