Panic

Ever experienced a strong feeling of panic and sadness combined all of a sudden? There’s no specific reason to be sad but you just are. You’ve had a great day, a good conversation with your family at the end of it and your relationship is going perfectly fine. So why do you feel this way, then?

I cried myself to sleep last night. I wanted to talk to someone about it but I really didn’t know what to say to that person. I didn’t know what I was feeling, myself. So I just lay in bed staring at my phone dialer screen for at least an hour. A notification popped from a friend I hadn’t spoken to in a while. So I called her up and talked about something in general. Felt better while still on call but the feeling returned once it was over.

No it’s not that I don’t want to speak about this. I really want to, to someone. There hesitation is because I don’t want them to think I’m stupid or making a big deal of something small. Or I’m making it all up for attention. Oh God, no! So I always wait and let it pass. What exactly happens you may ask? It’s something like this…

I’ve had a normal day at work, maybe a good one even. The same with the evening back home. A small chat with the family at the dining table and then I’m back to my room to watch something before I doze off. Except that, on these days I don’t just doze off. The sadness creeps in just when I’m about to, and I don’t see what I’m sad about. I would’ve just had a happy conversation with my boyfriend. Or eaten my favourite food. So what the hell am I suddenly so sad about?! The frustration really gets to me and I end up in tears everytime. Then I feel that sting. The sting we’re all familiar with. The one that hits our chest like a needle when something terrible has happened.

After all of this, if I manage to fall asleep at some point, I most definitely wake up feeling extreme panic and tears running down. I have dreams of being chased, attacked, abused, touched against my wish, which I’m running away from. I wake up feeling fear and shaking till I realise it’s only a dream and talk myself out of it. And no I’ve not had bad relationships and my family is amazing. So I never could understand why this happened so often to me.

Today I connected a few dots after repeatedly trying. Trying to see if anything I said or did or watched during the day, led to this feeling at the end of it. Almost a year ago, I first wrote anonymously, (find article “Dear grey-haired Uncle”) In which I’ve spoken about my neighbour molesting me as a child. For a month during that period, I now remember having these dreams and waking up crying and scared for no reason. I reached out on Instagram to which I got many many solutions. Some of which I tried and maybe they helped ’cause it eventually stopped.

Now I realise that everytime I talk about this incident or watch on some TV series or read a book that narrates sexual abuse/assault/rape, that is when this happens. It’s on those damned days.

Did something that minor really affect me this much? I know of people who have gone through worse and have come out stronger than ever. Was talking about it after shutting up for all those years really necessary? Because I feel so fucking weak on figuring this out.

One thought on “Panic

  1. I honestly get what you say. I’ve had similar feelings and incidents. But I want to tell you something. The belief that most people think – “Everything is genuinely going on great with my life, but why am I still upset? There is nothing wrong with my life to feel this way. People will not believe or understand me because of this fact.” – is a lie! Trust me, I have discovered this myself and I know a lo..t of people who do too.

    I really think you should stop for a moment and really figure out what else is bothering you. Don’t stop with just this.Take some time out (a lot of it, really) and write them all down. (Yes, every single sentence that occurs in your head.) Release them all out. I’m sure there will be many, many of them that nobody knows about and that you would never want them to know, even. (That’s okay!) This is because all of these experiences are all connected.

    If you choose to do this, do it and get back to me for more. Anyone else who is reading this post can also try this.

    Btw, great job on being open about your thoughts, Marriette! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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