Girl With Four Names.

Ever experienced a strong feeling of panic and sadness combined all of a sudden? There’s no specific reason to be sad but you just are. You’ve had a great day, a good conversation with your family at the end of it and your relationship is going perfectly fine. So why do you feel this way, then?

I cried myself to sleep last night. I wanted to talk to someone about it but I really didn’t know what to say to that person. I didn’t know what I was feeling, myself. So I just lay in bed staring at my phone dialer screen for at least an hour. A notification popped from a friend I hadn’t spoken to in a while. So I called her up and talked about something in general. Felt better while still on call but the feeling returned once it was over.

No it’s not that I don’t want to speak about this. I really want to, to someone. There hesitation is because I don’t want them to think I’m stupid or making a big deal of something small. Or I’m making it all up for attention. Oh God, no! So I always wait and let it pass. What exactly happens you may ask? It’s something like this…

I’ve had a normal day at work, maybe a good one even. The same with the evening back home. A small chat with the family at the dining table and then I’m back to my room to watch something before I doze off. Except that, on these days I don’t just doze off. The sadness creeps in just when I’m about to, and I don’t see what I’m sad about. I would’ve just had a happy conversation with my boyfriend. Or eaten my favourite food. So what the hell am I suddenly so sad about?! The frustration really gets to me and I end up in tears everytime. Then I feel that sting. The sting we’re all familiar with. The one that hits our chest like a needle when something terrible has happened.

After all of this, if I manage to fall asleep at some point, I most definitely wake up feeling extreme panic and tears running down. I have dreams of being chased, attacked, abused, touched against my wish, which I’m running away from. I wake up feeling fear and shaking till I realise it’s only a dream and talk myself out of it. And no I’ve not had bad relationships and my family is amazing. So I never could understand why this happened so often to me.

Today I connected a few dots after repeatedly trying. Trying to see if anything I said or did or watched during the day, led to this feeling at the end of it. Almost a year ago, I first wrote anonymously, (find article “Dear grey-haired Uncle”) In which I’ve spoken about my neighbour molesting me as a child. For a month during that period, I now remember having these dreams and waking up crying and scared for no reason. I reached out on Instagram to which I got many many solutions. Some of which I tried and maybe they helped ’cause it eventually stopped.

Now I realise that everytime I talk about this incident or watch on some TV series or read a book that narrates sexual abuse/assault/rape, that is when this happens. It’s on those damned days.

Did something that minor really affect me this much? I know of people who have gone through worse and have come out stronger than ever. Was talking about it after shutting up for all those years really necessary? Because I feel so fucking weak on figuring this out.